Artemis Fowl and the Wormhole
by Shamusjohnson
Summary: A gigantic wormhole opens in three universes, dragging the Tardis and the Red Dwarf as well as an unknown space material into Artemis Fowl's Universe. Can the Crew of the Dwarf, the Faries and the Doctor stop a menace that threatens the worlds exsistance as they know it? Please give your thoughts and opinions!
1. Enter the Wormhole

The Doctor struggled to stay upright as the TARDIS shook around. Amy looked at the Doctor angrily. "What's going on?" she demanded. "It appears..." The Doctor began before the TARDIS shook violently again "...that we might have fallen through a hole in time and space!" "What does that mean?" Amy asked, slightly frightened. "It means..." the TARDIS shook again "... that we aren't going to reach Barcelona in 1647. We aren't even going to be our own universe." "So, hold on, there are other universes?" Amy pressed on with more questions. The Doctor nodded"There are so many other universes: some with British Presidents, some with British Dictators, heck, even others with no Britain but large Dinosaurs. Let's hope this doesn't lead to one of those universes" he chuckled "Care to help?" he asked to keep her occupied.

"Lister, get your smegging, twat faced socks of the tabletop now!" Rimmer screamed at the last human in the universe. "What have they done? All they're doing is sitting there." Lister protested. "They're in the way of my food." Rimmer argued. "Ever since that DNA incident you've been acting strange Rimmer." Lister commented softly. Suddenly the ship was rocked by an unknown force. "Holly, what the smeg is going on?" demanded Rimmer. Holly's face appeared on the screen "It appears that we hit a wormhole." she told them. "Meow!" the Cat jumped into the mess hall. "Where is my food?" he asked excitedly. "Now is not the time for food Cat..." Rimmer started before he was inturupted "Of course it is. My belly says so, and every wise Cat knows never to question his or her belly." the Cat retorted angrily. "We hit a wormhole, Cat." Lister finished for Rimmer. "I couldn't help but listen in sirs." Kryten told them quickly as he entered the mess hall. "But the chances of us hitting a wormhole are one in a googleplex googleplexes!" "Well, no, it was extremely large." Holly told them. "But how could it sustain itself? I mean, a wormhole that size would collapse on itself in a matter of seconds!" Kryten protested. "That doesn't matter now, bolt-brains, what matters now is where it will lead." Rimmer told them. "I've been working on that. It leads to Earth. More specifically, Ireland." Holly told them. "Smeg, we're all as a good as dead then." Rimmer moaned.

Foaly couldn't believe his eyes: his satellite Regulus was reading that there was a giant wormhole that just opened up above Ireland. It must be faulty, he thought to himself as he readjusted his tinfoil hat over his head gingerly. He had Olympus, his second of three satellites, look in the same direction. Yup, a wormhole all right. And a large one too. A real whopper. He groaned. He hadn't made a call to Artemis Fowl for two years, and he had been hoping it would have been longer.

Artemis was having a hard time adjusting to being dead. The only the thing that gave him much comfort was his fairy friends and his familly. Mostly Holly though. She would check in about once a month during the Ritual to see how he was doing. He was currently in his room furiosly trying to figure out what was causing weird wavelengths over Ireland when his phone rang. He looked at the caller identification and smiled softly. "Hi Foaly." He said when he picked it up "You shouldn't leave your caller identification clear for people: 'Pony Genius', I mean really." "We have a slight problem Fowl boy..." "Man." Artemis corrected. "Whatever. A wormhole the size of a small moon has opened over Ireland." "Oh, so is that what those weird wavelengths are all about?" Artemis inquired. "I wouldn't know, Mud Man. Wavelengths are so primitive." Foaly countered. "Whatever. What are we going to do about it?" Artemis asked "Well..." Foaly started, then gasped "It's over your house and there are one, no two, wait, no three vessels heading your way. That one is huge! Mince, look at that! We're sending you three of our best LEP squads now! I have to tell Trouble!"

Whirr, whirr, whirr. A police box appeared just outside Fowl Manor. The Red Dwarf blotted out the sun as the TARDIS appeared, with Starbug bringing the crew down to Earth. And something crashed next to Fowl Manor on the opposite side of the wall from the TARDIS. It read: Danger! Do Not Open! Next to those words was a gaping hole that revealed nothing inside.


	2. First Contact

Starbug stormed into Earth's atmosphere. "I can't believe it!" Lister spoke with shock "It's the Earth!" "Quick question." Rimmer began "Why are we still going to Ireland? You know they're like Psirens: they'll eat your brains and then do some weird ritual dance!" "No, sir, that was the Aztecs." Kryten corrected quickly. "I want to see the world Rimmer, and Ireland looks like a good place to start."

Lister said calmly "This looks like a good place to land." They landed next to a large fortress with a blue box out front. "Should I render Starbug invisible sir?" Kryten asked Lister. "Nah, everyone will know it's us." he replied. "Well I'm not going with you to Ireland." Rimmer said rather snobbishly. "Well, that's your problem then mate." Lister said "Come on Cat." "Meow!" the Cat screeched "I'm a gonna get myself a woman! Meow!"

Amy looked at the Doctor in the gloom. "Why is the TARDIS..." she began but was interrupted by the Doctor "She's turned off to save energy. We have to give her a few hours, maybe two days." "We don't even know where we are!" Amy protested. "Well, we're about to find out." the Doctor said as he threw open the TARDIS doors.

Artemis ran outside and was greeted by Holly Short. "I heard about the wormhole." she told Artemis as soon as they greeted each other. "The other divisions won't be here for another half hour." That's when Artemis noticed his new lawn ornament. He jogged over to check it out. He paled, if that was even possible. "What is it Artemis?" Holly asked "Whatever it was, it got out." Artemis replied. Holly read it and also paled. "This is bad Artemis. Foaly? Yeah, our problem just got bigger."

Rimmer sat alone in Starbug. There was a clunk nearby. "Who's there?" he asked. There was no answer. "Hello?" Another image of himself walked towards him. "Whoa, what are you..." Rimmer One began before he was interrupted by Rimmer Two "I'm you, only I'm smarter and more likable." "That's not possible!" Rimmer One protested "You must be an Irishman!" "I am." Rimmer Two said calmly. "Ahhhh! Don't eat my brains!" Rimmer One said with complete fear. "I'll do so much more" The polymorph transformed into its normal state and latched onto Rimmers head, who collapsed instantly.

"Ireland!" the Doctor cried in joy as he stepped out of the TARDIS with Amy. "Um, Doctor what's that?" Amy asked, pointing to Starbug. "Um... that's a rocket, but not one I've ever seen before." The Doctor squinted, then saw three humanoids walking aimlessly pointing at things. "Oh, shoot! I dropped my ring! Oh, no wait, here it is!" Amy picked up her ring off the ground and then noticed the Doctor running towards the three people without her. "Doctor! Wait!"

Foaly moaned softly to himself. It would be another ten minutes until the LEP reached Fowl Manor. And that... container. What if there was something truly horrid inside that container? "How is everything Holly?" Suddenly a Mud Woman's face appeared on his big screen. "Not bad. Yourself?" it asked. Foaly couldn't believe it. He fainted. "Oh," Computer Holly said with a grimace. "I'd better go." and with that the face vanished.

"What are these two smegs... whoa." Lister noticed Amy. The Cat did too. "I knew the ladies would want to come running to me!" He leaned back and walked towards Amy, who slapped him in the face. "Hiss!" he cried out in pain. "Hi, I'm the Doctor and this is Amy." The Doctor introduced himself. "Hi, I'm gone." the Cat replied, still holding his face. "I'm Lister, Dave Lister." Lister stated. "And I'm Kryten!" Kryten responded happily "And we're glad you stumbled along. You see, we've finally made it back to Earth, and it's been three million years since we were around here." "Hold on." the Doctor said softly "It can't be three million years since you left Earth. That's a 2014 Kia Sedona driving by." "Kryten, did we travel through time?" Lister asked, but before he could respond Rimmer walked up next to the Doctor. "Hello everybody!" he said with a smile. "Whoa, Rimmer, you're not afraid of Ireland anymore?" Lister asked Rimmer shook his head. "I don't even remember why I was so afraid of anything, dear Lister." Rimmer replied. "Even touching my socks? Lister pressed. "Even those nasty socks." Rimmer said without pause. "Uh oh. This isn't good." Lister said in a worried tone. "What is this all about?" The Doctor asked. Lister gave him a look. "You'd have to be blind not to realize that he's been munched on by a polymorph!" Lister told him sternly.


	3. The Holly Confusion

Holly Short was perplexed. One moment Foaly asks how she is, and then nothing was said afterwords. It was truly unlike Foaly to do that when he was trying to make small talk. "Artemis, what's our next plan of action?" she asked Artemis calmly. Artemis shook his head slightly. "I don't know. We'll have to evacuate Beckett and Myles from the manor, but we won't have to worry about the Butlers or my parents as they are currently in Toronto for the G8 conference." he said thoughtfully "Then we'll have to find the other two ships that Foaly was talking about..." "Well, there's one!" Holly pointed out the object that just blotted out the moon above them. "Great Frond, look at the size of that ship!" Holly said fearfully. Artemis looked and gawked. "Whoa... that would take... wow." for one of the few times in his life, he couldn't find anything to say. "Um, hey, you two. Yeah, that's right!" Artemis and Holly looked down to find four men, one with an H on his head, a robot and a young woman outside the gate. "What do you want?" asked Artemis a little angrily. "Um, well since we're here, I would say in, you little smeg." the darker skinned man with dreadlocks that didn't look so dreadful told them. "Okay Holly, go get Myles and Beckett evacuated while I deal with these people." Artemis told Holly before he got up to walk over to the gate.

"Was that your little sister?" the same bloke who had spoken to him before spoke again. Artemis almost told the truth. Almost. "Yes she is." Artemis responded with a smile. "And who might you be?" "I'm Dave Lister, this is Kryten." he said pointing to the robot who smiled. "Arnold Rimmer, a hard light hologram." The man with an H nodded. "The Cat..." A man in a dress suit smiled, revealing his oversized canines. "I'm the Doctor and this is Amy." The Doctor introduced his crew. "And you need to let us in now!" Lister quickly reaffirmed. "Why?" Artemis asked. "Because we believe, dear sir," Kryten piped in "that there is a rare type of Forget Polymorph in your building." "What exactly is a Forget Polymorph?" Artemis asked. "Well, sir, it's a creature that can transform its image into anything it feels like it needs to. Absolutely anything, and it feeds off the negative emotions of people. Hate, lust, greed, fear, guilt, vanity." Kryten explained. "But that's just a regular polymorph. The Forget Polymorph causes the memory of encountering whatever the Forget Polymorph was after it eats one of your emotions away." Artemis nodded. "And how do you know it's a Forget Polymorph?" he asked. "It sucked out Rimmers fear and he doesn't remember why he was afraid in the first place, you twat. Now come on, let us in!" Lister screeched.

Holly buzzed through Fowl Manor. All these twists and turns, she thought to herself, Artemis should have done this himself. She turned right into Myles's and Beckett's bedroom. Holly felt her jaw drop in shock. Opal Koboi stood above Myles and Beckett cooing softly. She turned and saw Holly. "Oh Miss Short. I'm glad to see you've finally joined us." Holly glowered. "What do you want, pixie?" "Do you want your mommy back? Oh too bad. You should have been nicer to me. As queen of the world, I could have brought her back." the pixie taunted "Don't you dare talk about my mother!" Holly screamed and charged at Opal, only to see Opal morph into a grotesque monster ten feet tall. "D'Arvit!" Holly screamed again, still angry, before the polymorph latched on to her head.

"What's taking Holly forever?" Artemis asked idly as they all walked towards Fowl Manor. The face of a woman appeared on Kryten's belly. "Sorry about that." Holly said. "What? You're not the Holly I'm talking about!" Artemis told the face as they all walked into Fowl Manor. "Shh. I smell something!" the Cat inturrupted. "It's here! Somewhere." he said. He looked back at the group. "I lost it." The Cat looked confused. "Never fear, Cat." Rimmer said quickly. "We will find it eventually, even if you have to use me as bait." "Shut up Rimmer." Everyone but Rimmer said with a groan. "It's too bad it didn't take your ability to be an annoying smeg." Lister moaned. They reached the dining room and found Holly laying on the ground there. "Holly?" Artermis asked "What?" Computer Holly asked quickly. "From now on I'll call you Computer Holly, just so we have a difference, and so will everyone else, right?" Everyone else nodded. Kryten leaned over Holly and scanned her. "I've learned two things about this girl, sirs. No, three. One, she is not a girl, but fully grown. Two, she is not a human. And three, she is a female." Kryten left his analysis there. "I think we all knew she was a female from the start." Artemis said angrily. "Did she lose any emotions?" Kryten analyzed her again. "Yes, she did. She lost her anger."


End file.
